Seventeen days and the choices we make

For the last two nights I haven’t been sleeping well at all, my brains can’t seem to get a rest… it’s probably nerves. That now, with seventeen days to go I try to think of everything at once, and as we all know “everything” is a lot!

Maybe it will help me to write down what comes up in my head, so to get rid of it and give it a place here on my digital paper. So lets give this a shot, in no specific order.
One of the things I am worried about is how it will be to see my fiancé again, will all the heart ache be forgotten and will we still know each other as we used to? Or will we have to go through the whole getting acquainted process again while trying to get over all the troubles?
Will we be able to see each other much? Or will faith play a cruel joke and keep him far from me?
On the other hand I am also trying to think of all the facets of my work there. How will my future colleagues and students react to me and how will I react to them? Will the teaching come as natural to me as it does here in Holland?
Will I be able to adjust or will I be overcome by the so called “culture shock”, which Andy fears so much for me?
Will I be able to go without my friends and family?
Will this truly be the dream adventure as I hope it will be?

Surely, I know I can handle a lot, I have proven that time and time again in the past.
But somehow this is different, this is going through all kinds of motions on my own acord, my own choice. Somehow that makes all the difference.
When life gives you lemons you have no choice but to make the proverbial lemonade… Now, theoretically at least, I have the choice of throwing the lemons in the garbage.
So the real question is; will I be strong enough to stick with any kind of fruit life choses to give me.

Writing this makes me think of life and choices. And the thought of faith and life dealing any one anything doesn’t really fit in with my view of life.
Isn’t everything a reaction on the things we do and say. In other words there are only choices and their result. It doesn’t even matter why a certain choice is made since it is a rational choice of a previous one. But beside that, I have made my choice, whether it be a good or a bad one, I’m sticking with it for I feel I have no choice… Which is another thing that bugs me beyond reason! It is not so much that I feel stuck because I already signed my contract, that my tickets are booked and I gave up my house or that my love is already headed for China, but it is because I made the choice and the solemn vow to myself to go through with it.
Yes, again I have managed to get myself in a situation where I’m not sure to be happy with. I have to admit that most of the times I found myself feeling this way it turned out that I was quite content with the outcome…
Probably it is the natural fear of mankind for the unknown that keeps me from sleeping at night or any other time of the day.


About alastor993

artist, Art teacher Interests: Drawing, Painting, Experimental film making, writing, philosophy, motorbikes, sleeping!
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